I have arrived to my first
conclusion of fact: good faith is the only umbrella we have available in the
rainy roads of interaction within a stepfamily. Be intelligent enough to
prepare to fight the worst, but hope for the best. Take Good faith in any
single action, so my conscious can feel fine when the storms threaten and
comfortable when the rain temporally stops.
I read a lot, got advice from
insiders and professionals, I numbed my judgment so I could not infer right or
wrong from my “step family members”, closed my eyes so I could not see if there
was something unpleasant and enjoy when I could feel something good. I tried silence (which was the hardest, and
what had the worst results for me personally), I tried several recommended
techniques (for instance, I applied the
method of not exercise authority directly but going to my husband first; I
tried rewards systems in domestic chores -which I’m against to-, I tried to be
invisible, so my husband’s kids would not
resent his new life, I tried to give them all the space during the time they have so they could really
enjoy his father, I tried to softly introduce my husband to new ideas I though
may help to his kids’ improvement), I even basically stopped being me, because
it seems that being who I was and exert my opinions the way I normally do, will hurt susceptibilities. Nothing I tried
was taken the right way. Nothing I said was taken in plain meaning. No gesture
in my face escaped to judgment.
So I got tired. I quit. No, not
from my marriage, not from my husband (that’s out of question) l but from the
tiredness of spending a lot of effort in finding the best approach (objectively
speaking, not what people expected) without results, since I was the only one
who seemed aware about the time it would take and the difficulties a stepfamily
involved per se. It seemed I was the only one visited by realistic expectations
and that was not fair. So I decide to feel good and comfortable in my own skin:
I decided to be me, with my very own and rooted values and opinions. I have to
recognize it; it is hard to be me every other weekend, so I have not been entirely
successful at it, but I’m not discouraged.
I decided to rely in two things:
good faith and time. Everything I say, do or suggest, has been always in good
faith, and thinking it will help everyone to grow and improve. I learned also
that time is the best remedy. Time dilutes differences, or finds a way to
minimize their effects, either creating turnarounds, improving, or softening
the roads. And slowly, things are getting course.
Time flies. Soon my husband’s
kids will be on their own, reaching those ages when independence springs and
probably I will see them less often. My son will be very demanding by then, and
I’m sure some of my ideas will not sound that crazy or bad intentioned while
applied to my son.
My husband and I will grow old,
and there’s too much time ahead as to devastate my soul in unsuccessful efforts
to prove me right or to prove my good intentions. He married me because he knew I would bring
goodness to his life. I just pray for
guidance, wisdom and tolerance. I pray… to not be hurt when accused, to
persevere when tired, to love when attacked, to look beyond the difficulties,
to have such a dynamic mind so I could find solutions for the sake of everyone.
I pray for the peace my son and I deserve, the home we’re constructing, the
life and the home I want for him, and for my husband and me.
I wish for the best to my
husband’s kids, even though we may not be in the same page. They deserve
goodness. I pray for their wellbeing. I move honestly and in good faith.
Worries will always be present, that’s the parent’s story of life. Impulsive
answers to worries are to be fear.
I also pray for my peace of mind
and the consolidation of my own family, I have the right to do so. I will
always be defending my best interest and my son’s best interest, and my
marriage’s best interest, yet I would keep in mind what’s best for everyone and,
to favor my side, I would not move to destroy the other one. Maybe because in
defending that other side, sometimes my husband has attempted against our own
wellbeing, and I do not believe in such unfair method. Second does not mean
last… conversely I will say… present weights more when planning for future.
That’s why I finally disposed of the feeling of having no right to defend what I
have and what I want.
I’m not sure whether silence or
speaking out is the better way; I’m in the process of analyzing that. Silence may reward when time lapses the
challenges, but may annul the right to have voice. Speaking out may help to
healthy discuss and operate agreements and solve conflicts if partiality is not
involved (the trickiest part), but words to an unprepared ear may be taken the
wrong way and endanger what otherwise could be stable. So, that’s my current quest.
Due to the unavoidable nature of
the interest within stepfamilies, there’s nothing I can do or say that could redeem
me from judgment. I know, knowing the elements currently involved in my case,
no matter how best my intentions might be or how objective my perspective might
be, I’ll be under the microscope, and trying to save my skin from the
statistics of misunderstanding. Moreover, I will often find myself at the
losing side of the table; I’m not expecting my ideas to be considered as the
right ones… I know there will be a few tears involved once in a while. But I’m
strong enough as to keep standing and fighting for my family.
Thus, I would hold on to my good
faith approach when dealing with stepfamily issues. I owe that to my husband,
and I believe in the peace of mind it gives me when the tides are up. Life
cannot be unfair with me, at least in theory, if I fairly move always in good
faith.
Whether others agree or not (I do respect
different views), I put everything in God’s hands, and walking in good faith, I
hope for the best.
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