Practical solutions to potential conflicts which went weird before proving my point: Set 1. Domestic tasks issues.

Sometimes you can just foresee an upcoming argument; you can even hear in your mind the exact wording of the first enunciate; and even taste the anger, the frustration or the disappointment you’ll feel at that precise moment. In fact, you can also foresee that there’s no reasoning capable of bring calm to the waters the counterpart will raise. Why is that? Because you know the inner you and you know what matters to you. Besides, you also know the behavior, habit or mind setting of your counterpart. Therefore, you know it’s coming and since there has been no way to discuss the issue and reach a clear understanding and agreement…it’s a proven fact.

So what do you do? You procure to avoid the potential triggers; you find a practical solution elude potential hazards, until you can achieve a final solution, if possible. Let’s say you need to cross the river, you know you can’t swim and there’s no material available to construct a solid durable bridge… so you buy a Bailey’s bridge structure to be placed until both of you can finally build the real permanent structure. I know it is a weird way to put it, but almost nothing is a piece of cake regarding conflicts in stepfamily connivance.

I’ll put in writing some “funny” stories to exemplify my thoughts; I’ll start with some ridiculous one and progressively will bring up more complexity.

Case 1: Fine China vs disposable dinnerware.

I found myself enervate with the habits (or manners) I was observing in the members of my stepfamily regarding mealtimes. Why? It’s simple: no one ever picked up his own plate from the table nor placed it in the sink, no one ever has disposition to even wash his own plate. When asked to do it, the plate’s will be placed with all leftovers in it, and then some water will be added to make that a gross scene.  If five times someone drinks something, five glasses will be left there. Furthermore, there was one with a curious habit, he will serve himself three glasses of milk or juice at the time (yes three glasses for me to wash, and no, he will not drink all that)

When dinner was finished, everyone will return to the respective couch or video game or TV, and like a movie scene of one of those movies narrating when humanity just disappears leaving everything behind, every single utensil will be left there… so I could delight myself picking it up and cleaning until bedtime. No, I’m not talking about  young children here and even if that was the case…. No no no….

Why didn’t I just ask for help? Because that would have been excessive, those poor kids … they were there only for the weekend or for a week at a time during the summer… they just needed to be attended, and have a pleasant stay… Why daddy wasn’t helping? Dad is too tired after work and wants to come home to have some rest and try to get off of all that stress.

Why was it a big deal? Because NEVER in my life had I had to deal with something like that. Even men in my family showed the courtesy to pick things up. Kids of families I knew were taught about cooperation and even when not happy about it, they did the job in a good manner; even when we had maids helping at home, we threw leftovers and put the dishes in the sink. The bottom line in my mind: I had never felt that anger before, I have never felt treated like a maid… and thinking about it, maids at my house were treated with courtesy and consideration.

 What was I facing? Bad humor, angry faces… plus the misunderstanding about the cause of my bad humor, placing me as the ogre who hated those kids. I’m sorry thinks turned that way.  In fact, what I hated was the lack of respect I felt from my husband by not helping me or trying to make everyone to collaborate and making me feel guilty.

One day, sure we were not going to find light soon… I had an idea for that week: disposable dinnerware!!! What’s so hard about putting that in the trash, isn’t it? Well… let’s say things didn’t result as fine as I could have expected. The good thing… I didn’t have to spend 2-3 hours cleaning and organizing the kitchen. But… I had to picked that up and throw it in the trash…because it seemed to be too much work for some people. But I went from 10 on the scale of bad humor to a reasonable 6.5.

Later on I had to hear those ironic comments like: “my kids are not worthy as to be served and eat in regular china”, or “ take a disposable cup because we have no right to use peoples’ drink ware”.  So I clearly explained my reasoning: there are two choices out there, the first one, we serve on our china, each one of us takes whatever  we used to the sink after throwing left overs to the trash, and we all alternatively participate in the cleaning. The second one, if you considered that there should not be such a burden, then you can take the disposable one throw it and end of the story, it’s a decision you can make. I’m sure my reasoning was never actually heard.

The ironic comments remained, but no one ever tried to use the regular china or help. My bad humor improved to a nice 5, since I still had to be picking up from everywhere plates and half full cups (but I didn’t have to wash or organize). Later on they became to put most of those dishes in the trash The outraged daddy deeply believed –I think- that was an example of how much I despised his adorable teenagers.

Recently, one of the kids happened to stay with us for the entire summer (subject of another writing). My ears gladly heard when dad told him they were going to take turns in washing the dishes and organizing the dishes after dinner. My eyes saw light. Today, he said (and I heard as a symphony to my ears), I’ll wash them, you’ll put them on the cabinet, tomorrow, we’ll switch, it will be your turn to wash. And they had a happy dinner. Next day, son finished and went to continue watching TV; dad, finding no way to call him down and probably trying to make him feel comfortable at home, did the job. Personally, I had a lot of saying about that parenting issue, but… I shut my mouth. The kitchen was spotless and… I’ll address that issue differently with my own son. After a week  or so of dad doing the job to not create discomfort upstairs… by their will, they grabbed  disposable plates because…” it is too much work and we’re tired” (seems it is not too much work if the job is mine and I am seemingly not tired ever), I just smiled and explained the menu.

I don’t know if those soon young adults –because the two decades birthdays are around the corner- will ever gain those good habits (I certainly hope so, for their own good…and some white flag at home), I don’t know if will be able at some point to ask for something without being judged, but the ironic comments are gone…my bad humor came down to 4.5 during the past two months (still have to go around kitchen and house finding things to be picked and disposed, or cleaned), but just by eradicating that misunderstanding and those hurtful comments… most of the practical solution worked.

No. I know my husband will never say I was right… but I don’t need it, I found a practical solution to avoiding a big fight had my anger continued accumulating.

 

Case 2: The menu

I love to cook (at least I loved to), and I’m a good cook I’ve been told. I personally do not like certain foods, so everyone has the right to have his own likes or dislikes… but there’s a limit. After a while preparing food for the stepfamily table… things got…mmm… let’s say I was not enjoying cooking as normally.

One of the members claimed to be a vegetarian, even though in front of everyone will eat BIG burgers, lots of wings, fairly amount of hot dogs…etc. Yet dad reminded me every other weekend that I was not considering his vegetarian son. The other one would eat lines of hot dogs in days out, but would remind us that he doesn’t like them when served at home… Of course, this apparently was a product of my imagination, dad would strictly deny all my allegations

They would serve themselves until the plates were FULL and sometimes falling from the borders, but will eat a small portion after moving around and melting the food, to finally being the trash the happy eater of 1/2 of what I cooked.

I simply cannot accept waste. There is a huge part of the globe dying because of starvation and we are so privileged to even be picky when eating… but waste… that’s a shame. I was also frustrated, I cook really well, and even when I know everyone has the right to dislike something… that was beyond my understanding. I thought this was a personal thing… you know, maybe it is just me in the world feeling so disgusted with waste and finding that parents should not allow and guide kids to minimize this kind of behaviors… As of today, I’ve been the weird… at least I’ve been told so.. So, let’s find a way to avoid the upcoming discussions.

I changed my ways and traditional cooking during the summer (when they were at home more often). Lunch will offer a variety of one dish meals like fajitas, quesadillas, pot pies, pasta (keeping it simple), rices (prepared with different meats as one dish), etc. I kept dinner simple, trying to stay in their comfort zone. I chose a rich variety of cold meats, different kinds of cheese and dressing and the most common vegetables… so I prepared a kind of gourmet sandwiches, sometimes pita pockets, and some deli burgers. No, it wasn’t bread/ham/cheese/mayo/bread like things, I put some effort on those (remember… I like to cook and see it as an art).  I don’t know what happened with lunch because I wasn’t around, but I didn’t hear complains.  During dinner time I dealt with some of those exquisite behaviors but not a major thing. In fact, to make it a bit interactive and avoid the stress of seeing people opening sandwich and diving in food like trying to find an infected bug… I serve a palette of possible ingredients and they could build their own creation with nothing they wouldn’t eat. It seemed to work, and I reduced by far the stress that wasn’t impeding me to continue enjoying one of my favorite things: to cook. 

I kept preparing some regular stuff for the two of us in case my husband… as an adult and a good eater… would like something else, but in small portions so no waste would occur. In a few weeks he told me he would take exactly the same thing they were having (I wondered if that was ironic, but I thought he was being considered). Perfect for me because I wouldn’t have to work the double, we all, including me would have the same, it was fine with me. Problem temporarily solved!!!!

…I thought. Life threw me one of those unpredictable curved balls. Months after that summer when I don’t know what but probably nothing triggered dad’s defensive mode… I hear it: “I know you  don’t like to attend them… that’s why when they’re here we only eat trash. You had me eating junk food during the whole summer”.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that, and I swear I was simply speechless…you know there are people who would crave to have what we can have on the table???, do you know sometimes you pay a lot of money for a “gourmet sandwich” half of the quality and variety of ingredients I used.  I still believe that one was a joke of life; and I DO NOT HAVE THE REQUIRED SENSE OF HUMOR TO DEAL WITH IT.

Next year, just to try to figure the ironies of life, dear husband told me to go to the grocery store to prepare for their kids’ staying during the summer. I was going to be out of time for approximately 18 days. So I would be at home around three weeks and then I would leave.  “I need to buy food for my kids since they’re coming” he said. We went to one of those wholesale stores, with me saying no word or comment (you know, whatever you say can be used against you…a constitutional warning…).  That shopping cart was full and overflowing of hot dogs, ham, frozen waffles, frozen pizza pockets, frozen…everything…., ice cream (lots of it) cheese singles, white bread, and loooooooots of “snacks” (chips, cookies, etc,)… you know… everything you may categorized as “junk food” according to agreed social standards.  With nothing more to say, I rest my case. Fortunately, it was not me shopping or deciding the menu, because there could be a different conclusion.

Thus, we had not have a major argument on the matter since then, and regularly my bad humor on the matter stays on low profile, unless something out of scheme occurs, but I’m close to overcoming that one.

CASE 3: Domestic tasks.

I would say that it is not crazy (because of what I’ve seen I went back to my original idea of that being the standard rule) to procure cooperation among family members. I mean, normally, sorry, I mean, sometimes parents delegate some domestic task in pursue of inculcating the values of cooperation and help inside the house. That’s why also, husband and wife, according to their possibilities and schedules help each other.

Hahahaha… now it sounds like a fairy tale story… that I certainly don’t know if I want to cry or laugh. Well, the story goes this way… Dear husband comes around 7 pm from work completely exhausted. I would be an insensitive action to ask for help, after all, I came from work between 5 and 6, so I should be more rested to prepare dinner, pick up things, do the dishes, etc etc etc, and since I’m the one not working Saturdays, there’s no reason why I would need help with the cleaning thing or the laundry. That is truly hilarious.

Let’s keep this short: I just found unfair to expend every minute of my free time and not entirely free time cleaning up messes… and I simply believe after a certain age, EVERYONE should know how to use the toilet. And No, keep kids away from domestic tasks is not a healthy way to comfort them and a retributive action to say sorry for the harsh of a divorce and make them feel happy when visiting dad. Period. But the truth is I would have never said that… It would have cost me a lot.

Practical solutions implemented: Ok dear dad, you do nothing at home because you work all day and and are truly tired when you come home. Ok, let’s say the help you will provide me is to take care of your kid’s clothes, bedroom and bathroom when they’re here, and I do all the domestic things as regularly.  Why? I would rather believe he was helping me that way than the feeling of being treated as a maid and without being paid. So I could say socially that dear husband does help at home. Can you follow the emotional logic here? I hope so.

I also try to involve the kids in such tasks, with more damaging results than positive results, reason why I refuse to talk about it for now.

How it went weird? “ I know you don’t want to do anything for them, I’m the one who has to take care of their laundry, you have nothing to complain about because you do nothing for them”  I had to hear that a couple of times, despite the fact I was still picking up clothes from the floor, wet towels from the bath floor, and flushing and cleaning toilets which had been like that for days until I discover it.  But sure, I had nothing to complain about.

Then I got pregnant and it was a high risk pregnancy. The last trimester I stayed in bed rest, so we had to hire a cleaning service that is still going on to ease my sharp thoughts. I simply quit from trying to help him in involving those guys in domestic tasks since he seems not interested in keeping up with it and most of the time prefer to do their things. I found it healthier to step back in any effort tending to introduce my convictions on how family members should cooperate and reserve my energy to deal with that with my own son. Anything on that sense will be misunderstood by loving defensive dad, and I would not bring conflict up if I can avoid it.

So he keeps doing their laundry, he tells them to do things but not necessarily enforce his directions. They do things one week, nothing for a couple of months then something one day…The cleaning service helps me a lot and my bad humor has come down to a proud 3.5 regularly, and 5 to 5.5 every other weekend and summers. It began at 11 don’t forget that.

 

CASE 4: The weekend mealtimes.

I reserved this for the last because of the funny twists the human nature can offer.

Ever since we met and were living together, we go out to eat during the weekends, and normally we go on a night date on Fridays (that was normal before me getting pregnant and before my son’s birth). So, here was a typical weekend: Friday night… go out. Saturday night… go out for a drink or have something quick. Sunday: dear husband does not take breakfast, so he will eat nothing until really late (around 1-2 pm), so I will prepare his mandatory mug of coffee and I will take some fruit or cereal (I DO NEED to have breakfast) to resist until we went out to eat.

Invariably that was our routine and at some point I said fine, kitchen is close during the weekends. I do deserve some rest. If necessary I would prepare something fast in the afternoon if necessary but will not formally cook… you know four course meals.

It has been like that ever since. In fact, when my mom visited me for the first time she insisted on cooking  (she takes over that domestic duty when she’s visiting…and some other tasks…) during the weekend I told her to rest, that we would go out to get some air and eat something.

Now that we have my son, we do not have  the same freedom to go out so most of the Fridays we stay but take something light in the afternoon, nothing too elaborated, something practical and fast.

That turned out to be practical for me, since I was losing my love to the kitchen due to the fact of a dear husband making me cook twice a day because he will not repeat nor will he take something that has been in the refrigerator (please keep in mind that, according to my understanding, he was never served or kindly attended to during his previous marriage, reason why I think either I created a monster that has bitten me, or he became engrossed with my loving ways of attending him that he quickly lost contact with reality). So by Monday, I had recharged my energy and had the best disposition to cook again full of love.

After years of doing the same, randomly my husband takes a look on the stove and oven, and the refrigerator on a Friday night or Saturday and says: You haven’t prepare dinner? Then I remind him… and tell him that I can prepare us something quick if he’s not in a mood to go out or too hungry. Nothing further has to be said, we go back to normal. I gave him a few alternatives, he chooses the one he likes the most, I quickly prepare that and we eat while chatting or watching TV. I still don’t know why he still does that, but I consider that a curiosity of his existence.

But, please…stay with me…: at least once a month during a weekend his sons are with him, he will make the respective search in the kitchen and ask if there’s nothing for dinner. I just look at him like reading his mind and before I can say the same answer I’ve been giving for years, the fast ball hit again… Why? Because they are here, I know you don’t like to do nothing for them… or a variation of the same thought, or the look full of irony like wanting to say it but pulling his horses back with a huge amount of pride that makes him tell them… “we are going to order pizza in a while, just wait for it upstairs”, or “we are going out to eat something in a while”.

It used to enervate me.   Some crazy weekends I wondered…How someone can be so… is there a right word to use here? …blind and full of irrational defensiveness and insensitiveness and… insane. Those times are almost gone.  I now expect the suspect comment or eye look as a regular thing at least once a month and get over it… there would not be another one in around 30 more days.  Some Saturdays when I know it could come I just go out by myself to have some time by myself and relax and come back when everyone has overcome dinner time questions and I’m received with the solution instead of the question mark. This one does make me laugh now.  It is funny to see how sometimes the rationalism of common sense plays tricks with humans or simply plays to abandon them for a few minutes to see how we can deal with it.

Therefore, when the defensive dad bug has not bitten, you can hear him asking me to go out for a drink, or to have something he’s craving, or will ask me to prepare some quick thing, some fast food “the way he likes it”, like his preferred hot dogs with his preferred ingredients, or some of my country quick dishes…with no major conflict.

Funny isn’t it?

I would like to tell you, from the bottom of my heart, that even though, I’m not clapping like a seal and laughing as a clown about the fact my husband having a previous marriage and kids, I had never had bad feelings towards those kids, and all the “solutions” I thought about, even if they were inadequate, were taken without bad faith and with the best of the intentions (I only was trying to eradicate potential sources of conflict), reason why I never expected the rudeness I received back or the low concept of my intentions as it was misunderstood. Every time I received one of these comments, reactions, questions or answers, it was like a bath with artic water while having a cold, and I could never understand how anger, guilt and defensiveness could lead my dear husband to such a low concept about me. It took me a lot of time, patience and analysis to try to find the reasons why he was reacting like that, and to find deep inside that his real feelings towards me were kind.

Next time I’ll talk about other practical solutions… the more complex ones.

                                                                                 

Time: deadly weapon or life saver…a matter of attitude. Some ideas about the adjustment period

Walking on the tricky roads of daily life of a step family pattern, determination and patience are key to develop the strength necessary to successfully overcome the difficulties involved, from both sides, equally. That “equally” part is the hardest one, even when there’s love and commitment on both sides of the marriage. Information gathering is vital as well as awareness regarding the length of time adjustment takes and rational conscience about it. I may be wrong, but despite the fact no one comes lectured on how to raise a family and one learns and grows on the road, I strongly believe that to handle the step family pattern does require rational discussion, research, outsource information and planning. The “natural” flow one can find in a regular family cannot be found in a stepfamily by matters of spontaneous generation (I’m not saying it cannot happen, but it is not the average), they are not the same; the functionality and harmonious development does require a different approach in order to be successful at it. Help from an independent source and counseling is key, but pride will often put aside that alternative. Even when all the ducks are in a row and the stars aligned towards a marriage… an inappropriate management of the “step” part in the new family can kill a few ducks and vanish a few stars. It does require clarity and objective analysis of the characteristics of the elements and circumstances involved, conciliation and an objective approach, it demands rational expectations...easy to say, hard to accomplish. Family matters tend to be emotional. Step families, because of the conflictive emotions it may raise, demands the utmost dose of rationalism and realism on expectations. It does require equanimity more than good will and wishes; it would be great to find tons of it in the parent spouse.

Time then could be an ally or an enemy, depending on the side you’re on. Time can save the day… and the marriage day by day, if you understand that time is of the essence and no one knows the specific amounts of it that a determined stepfamily will need to begin acting as a functional one (basic functionality). Time also can be a deadly weapon, if your expectations are unrealistic, or anxiety is bigger than you and common sense or logic. The secret: to go smoothly… both spouses should share perspective… but  I can tell It is not the usual way to go. Something everyone should know and interiorize: the adjustment period is a matter of years –and not one or two-, it can take more than five years. That’s why patience and perseverance is so important; it is easy to be visited by negativism and desperation, and anxiety can threat a great marriage which otherwise could result a successful one.  

 My experience placed my husband and me on opposite sides on that matter. Time was a conflictive factor among us then, but it is turning OK I guess. What do I mean? His mind was set considering everything should be easy. Looking at his kids with the eyes of love, he truly believed affection would come by default because he could not find anything but the best characteristics in them. Overlooking personalities, he thought he would have a family  full of candid interaction quickly. Believing I should accept everything, he thought I had certain “obligations”, and being me the one “accepting the package”, the burden was on me ONLY. I’m sure he truly believed there was no reason other than my own lack of effort for the tardiness on the process, thus he carved his own frustration and desperation. On the other side, when I had a clear picture of where I was, I immediately knew it would take time, so I place my bet on it.

During all these years, I’m sure my husband has been feeding the anger monster with frustration because the Bready bunch is not emerging. I’m sure he has confronted his love for me with his resentment towards what I’m sure he believed my lack of effort. Time was an enemy for him. He was looking at the years coming and saying good bye without the gift of his utopic vision. Had I shared such a perspective, time would have been a deadly weapon to our marriage. He then adopted a position of expecting nothing, like taking for granted a failed effort to constitute a step family close to functional, which probably placed in jeopardy the marriage effort. A while ago I heard him say: “if it has not happened in five years it will never happen”. That confirmed my suspicious on the fact he never had the right information or objective perspective on the development of step families. I’ve been suffering with his anger episodes, and wishing I could heal his pain, but he needed to overcome that stage by his own, and I needed to preserve my emotional health to support him on the road and have the strength to walk it with him.

It is not that I had the answers, but I kept myself gathering information on the subject, and studying the topic seeking advice and support. One of the very first things I had clear was that the initial adjustment process takes years (and not one, not two nor three as I mentioned). A few books I read coincided in a 6 years average. I knew I should not let anger or frustration invade my spirit, I commanded myself to keep a low profile and wait, I correctly expected a challenge of patience, and I can see the rewards a few steps ahead.

A few weeks ago, a paragraph on my daily readings made me think on the issue, and breathe its truthfulness:

“As wonderful as it is to have found love the second time around, living in a blended family can seem particularly stressful at times. Newly formed stepfamilies -- and experts say that "new" is a term that can apply for up to seven years, as everyone learns to navigate old loyalties, unfamiliar relationships, and developmental changes -- need lots of advice, and they know it. Conflict about how to handle kids is tough on everyone and can be murder on a marriage. (It's one of the reasons second unions fail more than first ones.) We've got advice on how to handle the most predictable hurdles”.
 

Experts are right, I’m living evidence. Despite the fact we’ve been together for 6 years, I honestly think our true road began three years ago, as I previously explained in an early blog.  It has taking years for my husband to overcome guilt and give me, our marriage and our family the right place (a place I would say). My son’s birth was the trigger to this positive change. It took years for him to understand that by having a new life and be happy living it did not involve downgrading the place of his other kids. It took years for him to act coherently with the fact the he had a new family.  It took years to stop his incessant verbal obsession of telling me who was first and that under a given facts, I would be the dispensable one.  It is taking years for me to adapt to way unfamiliar relationships and approaches, to navigate being who I am among circumstances which directly conflict with my principles. And it took  years for those kids to grow up, and once they were older, develop and  overcome difficult stages and softening things while they get older and the natural independence they’re getting makes my husband realize that he has to take care of his own life too, instead of sabotaging it because of guilt or unfulfilled time expectations. Time has taken away lots of conflict sources; we did not solve many of them, but they disappeared and we were able overcome the feelings related.

Time was kind with me, the Heavens were generous. Time is helping us to make it. Despite my husband’s opposite approach towards time, it has come to our rescue. Time, and the perseverance which accompanies it, has become the lifesaving boat that has protected our marriage. Things would have been easier if we both would have had a more realistic perspective of the time it takes to put things on track. Such awareness I do think now is vital to pursue common goals and reach success in the establishing of an acceptable functionality of the blended family.

Time has made us all grow, reason why, time has helped us lessen the hardship, to highlight the positives, to use the care and concern to prepare the soil for the seeds of affection, time has weakened prides and open our minds and eyes to begin having a more realistic idea of who we are. I’m sure it will work with our hearts too.

Time has made us grow as a couple; consequently the strength of that bond is close to allowing us the ability to design a strategy with rationalism and objectivity, instead of pride, anger and partial views. Time has taken away a lot of the conflicting issues, time has brought solutions to remaining ones, and strength to keep dealing with the unsolved.

The bottom line is that managing a step family should not be left to luck, but to informed decisions, strategies and well established notions regarding its development, it requires a drop of rational methodology...sort of speaking. One should have a clear understanding of the time it takes to adjust, to be patience, to not become dangerously

First time mother... second wife

During the almost 6 years I’ve been with my husband, only the first one – a few months actually- involved some (a lot actually) uncomfortable moments because of his ex. Thinking about it, I would say it was not actually because of her but because of my husband’s poor management after his divorce. He was, hiding in the pretext of the possibility of something happening to his kids, allowing people bother him (and us) calling at his cell phone for intolerable things 24/7. Yes, stupid calls woke us up in the middle of the night and questionable calls were made and carefully attended on weekends, dinners and conversations were mutilated, quite moments were disturbed, romantic moments were murdered. No, not a single one related to a reasonable need of his kids, not one related to an emergency (because Santa’s shopping list is not and emergency, and who was going to buy the cars when the kids reached 16 was ridiculously unreasonable (being the kids either infants, or 12 the oldest). Time washed out that stage quickly, reason why I just recall it with a twisted sense of humor. I know she existed, and does exist ( I know where my husband’s money goes, and is not towards nice clothes to me or house gadgets on demand). She definitively knows I exist; and if she is a bit of an observer, she should know my husband is a renewed man, and is doing fine, and growing as he would never had next to her (at his own credit… but not underestimating my part)

I have never had any kind of encounters and the only way I remember she exists is when I see her kids visiting my husband every other weekend. Meticulously, he has made all possible efforts to keep me away and unaware from any incidence coming from that side (of course, he still does not get that “sixth” sense one has and d thinks I actually ignore everything). But I have to recognize his efforts on the matter. I’ve had no hard times on those regards. I don’t even know how she looks. I do know she is not a good person though. Why? I’ve seen the deep rooted damages she’s left in my husband’s mind, soul, and skin. Someone capable to extirpate from a good human been any traces of trust, sensitivity, peace of mind and comfort, is not a good person. Someone capable to truly deteriorate the physical wellbeing of her spouse is not a good person to me. To be honest, I cry rivers every time I look at pictures of my husband back in those years, I look at him, and that person is not my husband, he could not have been my husband. To her disbelief probably, she must have been seeing the turn in his life (and I don’t think she’s happy about it, but who cares). She could not kill his vision, his efforts to climb goals, his desires to live better.

What I won’t do, is to criticize her “mother” side. I can’t, it would not be fair. Why? She may be doing what she knows, applying what she’s learned, living as she’s used to and displaying her own background. As my husband must have secretly recognized, his second wife is in the opposite place, 180 degrees from her and the life they had. Where I come from, who I am, what I believe, how I live, what I like is absolutely different, the opposite of what he saw, lived and learned during those years. Therefore, my roads, my sight and my north, clashes violently with the ways he was used to. Since that applies to my parenting style too, I know he must have a hard time understanding why the ways he applied with his other kids, and the ways he applied domestically in his previous household outrageously collide with my perspectives and goals. Yet I know that despite his resistance, his pride and toughness, he is now able to see things he never saw or thought before.

Where am I landing? I cannot be compared, because there’s no point in doing that, which is a good thing. It’s not that I think I am it, it is just hat you cannot try to compare the results of two completely different chemical formulas… there’s not constructive purpose. But for looking at the faces of her kids, I would forget her existence; thanks to my husband I have not had the hard times other second wives experience. But for that former legal contract and the living consequences of that, I can proudly say, it is as if I was his first wife in many ways. However, unfortunately, that regularly inexistent shadow happens to interfere like a shadow in the light in the most important life experience one can have: motherhood. It is when I became a first time mother that my shoulders felt the weight and precedence of the adjective “second” as in “second wife”. I’ve never experience trouble because of the shadows of the ex, she was an invisible harmless ghost. Yet the hardest fight I’ve had has been defending my rights in life to live the experience of being a first time mother. Weird isn’t it?

This is why, I did not live my pregnancy the way I would have wanted, because it happens that my husband's previous experiences where far distant from what someone like me would have expected. And since he went through that several times before… I was the unreasonable, pure inexperience maybe… his way was a proven one apparently… I still question that. I could not have clear skies the day my son was born, and the days after… because his worries were somewhere else, and even though I knew he loves me and he was beyond happy… his actions showed me the door to a second place (no, not behind my son which would have been more reasonable), by ignoring everything I said about how I wanted to live that experience, yielding to other interests related probably to his sense of guilt towards what he left behind. I’ve not been able to peacefully be who I am and peacefully do what I want for my son, since my road bifurcates from the road he had in terms of parenting, instead of learning and growing, it is easier to attack my ways when colliding with that other side of his life. Yes, things are getting done, but a lot of sweat is on the floor and a couple of tears on my cheek some times. Since he has always been in the middle of a kindergarten, and I have not, it seems I cannot freely and comfortable decide how to introduce my son to interact with other kids, because nothing has happened with his way, which is not the point: the dis-authorization and overruling of my attempts as a first time mother with my own beliefs and ways (which seems I cannot develop because they are interfering with his regular course of parenting business and the precedent rights of his side, or they turn offensive towards his side’s interests). I do know things will grow in complexity as my son will get older, and new challenges call at our door.

By now I know it sounds like pure complaining. But he’s the amazing positive effect of my struggle and discomfort in this motherhood battle overcoming the shadows of being the second wife: I became a warrior, motherhood wise. I’ve been prompted to analyze over and over the kind of parenting I want for my son, evaluating and re-evaluating my applicable principles. I became more than committed to raise my son with the full extension of the knowledge I’ve amounted and the knowledge I would seek every single day of my life. I know that as a wife my priority is to promptly and adequately take care of my husband and house, and I would fiercely do it every day of my life. Likewise, as a mother I will defend my son’s formation and my rights as his mother to exercise all the efforts I may find proper for his development and his steps in this life’s road. I methodically and consistently inform myself, I am my toughest critic, because I want to learn from my own mistakes, and grow from them, I want to grow as a mother, by the hand of my son’s growth. I could take any positive critic, but I will not subsume my right to experience motherhood my way to the comfort of anyone out of my household, nor will I subject my expectations to the shadows of the pattern of past times and their results. Every day is a new one, every day the past is one more step behind. Unexpectedly, the darkness sometimes threatens, but it happens to build a stronger me, and a stronger commitment towards my son’s future.

Furthermore, I have to give my husband some credit. Whether he wants to openly recognize it or not, I know he’s growing as a father too. He has the heaviest part. He’s aware now of things he never considered, he has seen over horizons he never considered, he’s realizing there was a huge and demanding world out there (parenting wise), he has to bare the pride and pain of being conscious of his own faults or lacks. It has been hard for me, I surely deserved easiness on the matter, but I’m aware it has been harder for him. I’m just developing my life project, so I was to expect some detours and obstacles to overcome; but he thought he had mastered those life stages, and the human soul does not easily accept the change or the hand’s mistake. He will have to learn to set aside guilt, which has no room in this subject matter, and take advantage of the lessons given by the roads that were not taken, and the new perspectives.

I’m proud of him, because despite it all, he always moves forward, whether he openly accepts it or not. When the anger dilutes, he becomes a better individual, a better husband, a better father. When the anger dilutes, I become a better wife, a better mother, I grow in patience, and harvest more than what I would if things would resulted the easy way. And as a couple, we learn from each day to be better the next one.

At this point, through difficulties and imbalances, life has offered me so many opportunities to grow, that beyond wondering what if, I look for the next step, because my son so deserves from us: stay looking for one step forward every day. He deserves a daily growth from his parents, because he is a unique experience for BOTH of us, he is beyond every one’s past experiences, he was blessed with new opportunities, and he does not have to stay in the same place others are just because of an irrational equity remedy based in a twisted idea of what equality means (equality calls to treat different those who differs, and equals in an equal manner) If God gave him a whole new set of roads, a whole new set of parents, further is the only way. He is beyond what has been done; he is future, something no shadow will take away from me, light which no shade will block its brightness. I’m not second in line; I’m his only mother, and my husband’s sole source of personal support. The two of them are my life, and they are worth all efforts.

Safe Harbors in Step Families

No, I did not find the answers every stepfamily member is looking for. No, I haven’t found the miracle formula. In fact, as of now, a few years on the road, I’m considering accepting like a proven fact that there are no safe harbors. Due to human nature, and all the sensitive components involved, conflict will always arise, even in the most harmonious families, even if all individuals involved are “nice people”.

I have arrived to my first conclusion of fact: good faith is the only umbrella we have available in the rainy roads of interaction within a stepfamily. Be intelligent enough to prepare to fight the worst, but hope for the best. Take Good faith in any single action, so my conscious can feel fine when the storms threaten and comfortable when the rain temporally stops.

I read a lot, got advice from insiders and professionals, I numbed my judgment so I could not infer right or wrong from my “step family members”, closed my eyes so I could not see if there was something unpleasant and enjoy when I could feel something good.  I tried silence (which was the hardest, and what had the worst results for me personally), I tried several recommended techniques (for instance, I applied  the method of not exercise authority directly but going to my husband first; I tried rewards systems in domestic chores -which I’m against to-, I tried to be invisible, so my husband’s kids would not  resent his new life, I tried to give them all the space  during the time they have so they could really enjoy his father, I tried to softly introduce my husband to new ideas I though may help to his kids’ improvement), I even basically stopped being me, because it seems that being who I was and exert my opinions the way I normally do,  will hurt susceptibilities. Nothing I tried was taken the right way. Nothing I said was taken in plain meaning. No gesture in my face escaped to judgment.

So I got tired. I quit. No, not from my marriage, not from my husband (that’s out of question) l but from the tiredness of spending a lot of effort in finding the best approach (objectively speaking, not what people expected) without results, since I was the only one who seemed aware about the time it would take and the difficulties a stepfamily involved per se. It seemed I was the only one visited by realistic expectations and that was not fair. So I decide to feel good and comfortable in my own skin: I decided to be me, with my very own and rooted values and opinions. I have to recognize it; it is hard to be me every other weekend, so I have not been entirely successful at it, but I’m not discouraged. 

I decided to rely in two things: good faith and time. Everything I say, do or suggest, has been always in good faith, and thinking it will help everyone to grow and improve. I learned also that time is the best remedy. Time dilutes differences, or finds a way to minimize their effects, either creating turnarounds, improving, or softening the roads. And slowly, things are getting course.

Time flies. Soon my husband’s kids will be on their own, reaching those ages when independence springs and probably I will see them less often. My son will be very demanding by then, and I’m sure some of my ideas will not sound that crazy or bad intentioned while applied to my son.

My husband and I will grow old, and there’s too much time ahead as to devastate my soul in unsuccessful efforts to prove me right or to prove my good intentions.  He married me because he knew I would bring goodness to his life.  I just pray for guidance, wisdom and tolerance. I pray… to not be hurt when accused, to persevere when tired, to love when attacked, to look beyond the difficulties, to have such a dynamic mind so I could find solutions for the sake of everyone. I pray for the peace my son and I deserve, the home we’re constructing, the life and the home I want for him, and for my husband and me.

I wish for the best to my husband’s kids, even though we may not be in the same page. They deserve goodness. I pray for their wellbeing. I move honestly and in good faith. Worries will always be present, that’s the parent’s story of life. Impulsive answers to worries are to be fear.  

I also pray for my peace of mind and the consolidation of my own family, I have the right to do so. I will always be defending my best interest and my son’s best interest, and my marriage’s best interest, yet I would keep in mind what’s best for everyone and, to favor my side, I would not move to destroy the other one. Maybe because in defending that other side, sometimes my husband has attempted against our own wellbeing, and I do not believe in such unfair method. Second does not mean last… conversely I will say… present weights more when planning for future. That’s why I finally disposed of the feeling of having no right to defend what I have and what I want.

I’m not sure whether silence or speaking out is the better way; I’m in the process of analyzing that.  Silence may reward when time lapses the challenges, but may annul the right to have voice. Speaking out may help to healthy discuss and operate agreements and solve conflicts if partiality is not involved (the trickiest part), but words to an unprepared ear may be taken the wrong way and endanger what otherwise could be stable. So, that’s my current quest.

Due to the unavoidable nature of the interest within stepfamilies, there’s nothing I can do or say that could redeem me from judgment. I know, knowing the elements currently involved in my case, no matter how best my intentions might be or how objective my perspective might be, I’ll be under the microscope, and trying to save my skin from the statistics of misunderstanding. Moreover, I will often find myself at the losing side of the table; I’m not expecting my ideas to be considered as the right ones… I know there will be a few tears involved once in a while. But I’m strong enough as to keep standing and fighting for my family.

Thus, I would hold on to my good faith approach when dealing with stepfamily issues. I owe that to my husband, and I believe in the peace of mind it gives me when the tides are up. Life cannot be unfair with me, at least in theory, if I fairly move always in good faith.

Whether others agree or not (I do respect different views), I put everything in God’s hands, and walking in good faith, I hope for the best.

Stepping into the stepfamily issue: the beginning's challenges

It’s time. This is a hard topic I’ve been holding for a long time, even though I had lot to say. After a few years in the process, I finally have the courage and peace from a lot of reading, praying and living, to simply look back around and calmly and objectively talk about the matter, and I’m confident enough in my marriage as to freely address it.

No stepfamily pattern is the same, nor are the same the issues they face. Each family has its own fingerprint, each step family too. The combination may open the window to a different set of characteristics, and challenges or experiences thereof : Both spouses with children from previous relationships, One parent with children, One having full custody, both having full custody, or just one with children but with just with visitation rights… you name it… What is common to all possible situations is the hard work it takes to keep a healthy relationship and a successful marriage under the skies of a step family. These difficulties may increase when the previous relationship or causes of divorce involved painful or extremely negative factors. I have to say I know a divorced couple who keep sharing all holidays together and travel together, and plan together, or taking family or personal decisions toguether; that is yes, the four of them plus children (all adults), and they look so unreal… but they successfully made it I guess, even though I found it rare. But that’s not the average result.

During the past 6 years I’ve been analyzing and rationalizing this issue, and it has to be said… learning how to get through it with the best approach. I’ve developed some conclusions which I think may be applicable to all stepfamilies; however, I know most of them would make sense only in a pattern like mine: I was single, no kids, plenty of expectations about forming my own family; my husband was in the post-divorce crisis, coming from a very bad experience in life, having two older boys and a baby girl who’s paternity to everyone else but my husband was questioning due to the non-sense circumstances under which technically she came to existence (that is not itself a core issue but it exemplifies the turmoil around). He got visitation rights, even though it took a lot of time for him to rationalize that divorce does naturally involve inevitable changes, and it took longer to start conceiving the reality that his children were no longer living under his roof, but they will visit every other week… yes, that’s what they call it visitation rights. Something unquestionable: his deep love for them and rooted sense of responsibility, and my articulated and deep values as to how a family and a house should be run, plus the biggest illusion to start my own family (which surprisingly, turned out being a tricky and a bit dangerous chemical formula).

My first conclusion after these years was that the worst approach ever when entering into a relationship involving stepchildren (from either side) is to assume that everything would work itself out, and to overlook the potential differences and the different needs, as well as taking for a fact that affection and candid interaction should be taken as given… provided that everyone involved, is a good person; that the “step” parent is in the obligation to silently accept whatever the “parent” decides, does or brings on the matter; and ultimately, that the children would learn and know how to approach the “second” marriage situation by themselves as well as to how to react or interact with the second spouse. Even more dangerous is to assume – in the case of the parent spouse- the role of victim, redirecting any difficulty in the relationship to the children issue as a way to evade responsibilities, problems and solutions. Finally, I consider pure poison to ignore that the new non-parent spouse may have deep ideas and values in terms of raising a family, and ignore them when conflicting with the former “way to parent”, or the former regular course of the family business. I would also say it is a wrongful pattern to enter in a relationship expecting that love and closeness will come automatically, and all personalities will happily “click”. In short, for the parent spouse, it’s important to get real, accept what is gone, take the great, burry the past and actually see the present, realizing that a new family and a new spouse is waiting at home, not the shadows of the previous one. For the non-parent spouse, I guess it is important to be confident enough as to not fear to address the issue and try to water healthy discussions on the matter, since silence is even more dangerous. I do know it is easier to say it than to get it done.

There’s no room for fairy tales. Human relations are complex, difference among views, perspectives and personalities fill human society of complexities, making it hard to explore sometimes, rewarding on others. If there are difficulties within a blood related family, what would make you think it should be different when blending non related individuals with completely different backgrounds? If marriage itself takes effort from both spouses, shouldn’t marriage with stepchildren require an extra dose? If every day we find difficulties at work, in business, in social life, at school, etc… what would make you expect absence of conflict or differences in a family context? On the other hand, the existence of difficulties and trouble does not make it a lost cause. I do believe a reality check has to take place, instead of taking sides and sit…Both parties in the second marriage pattern should be aware about the difficulty, and equal effort is demanded in such a relationship; always I would say, but especially when it becomes clear that different backgrounds, different formation and different cultural manifestations will be placed under the same roof, because it would be a puzzle of tolerance, respect, and proper place for each one.

Awareness would be my favorite concept after all these years. Awareness about the fact that no one is perfect, about the complexity of human interaction, about conflicting values and ideas, about healthy expectations, about personal characteristics that may water conflict, and why not, awareness about personal preferences and way of living; but most of all, awareness about the difference between past, present and future, awareness about what is gone and what is on the table, look to the horizon, not to the aches of the past. Frustration will be only result when expecting too much, or expecting results too soon…and frustration is a dangerous advisor… since it only calls for weakness.

Balance, would be my favorite value, and core when praying. There’s nothing more hurtful than someone repeating over and over in one’s face that because of the nature of the parental love, everything else would be secondary and accessory, leaving this underlying unnecessary taste of being secondary and accessory. As a matter of common sense, we all –parents and non-parents- have clear the special and unique bond a parent-child relationship creates, and the responsibilities involved. Once one becomes a parent, the concept becomes materialized. But since the nature of a parent-child relationship differs from that of marriage, and from many others, there’s no point in an insisting obsession to set hierarchies of importance, privileges and levels of love, that’s unnecessary and unhealthy. No word should be pronounced in that sense. You do not make your loved one feel as if in a line waiting to be called upon for affection, so words and actions need not to be sharply administered in that sense, it creates the wrong idea you’re offering leftovers of affection and resources. The hardest task in the second marriage, for the parent spouse, is to balance both well beings (his/her kids on one side and his/her new family on the other). My respect and compliments to those who have succeeded on the task. This issue becomes particularly critical at the arrival of a common child, and is also the test to measure if past and previous marriage ghost have actually been overcame. Waiting for balance would also be the hardest challenge to the other spouse, since it will put to test the core of love and patience, but would also demand to know when limits should be established.

Objectivity was next in line to my understandings. The natural protective instinct in a parent may lead to a dangerous partial behavior that may attempt to destroy the counterpart’s right to express opinions, to exercise authority in home management issues, and to unconsciously annul the presence and expectations of the non-parent spouse. An act of terrorism against a second marriage under these circumstances would be to ignore the right of the non- parent spouse to experience marriage and parenting by his/her own, and not under the shadows of the parent spouse previous experience.

Love, patience, perseverance, trust and commitment, I concluded to be the only tools one has to make it work. But most of all, conviction about the love among each other, about the marriage institution itself and the decision made towards that way.

Months ago, I was reading James Dobson and a couple of lines called my attention. He accurately described the natural dynamic of the parent spouse taking side and defending his/her children against the non-parent spouse, creating confrontation in cases of second marriages. I felt sad while reading a sentence with taste of final judgment stating that because of such natural and inevitable dynamic normally these second marriages (with the presence of children from a previous one) do not end well. I could not believe that someone who was supposed to give advice and support to make the family bond stronger, a family advocate himself, was throwing such a negative assumption of future failure, making it appear as hopeless. Actually, he wasn’t. I kept reading. That was a dose of reality, followed by an unquestionable truth: it does not mean that second marriages with stepchildren involved are inevitably destined to fail, some turn successful; but for those who do turn successful, hard work, love and comprehension is required. There’s no place for weakness, no place for negativism, marriage is not a disposable plate; it is rather a treasure one must fight to defend when. When I finished that particular book, it was clear that failure should not be a default rule; if one wants a marriage under these circumstances to work, it will, as long as one is committed to that goal. Personally I will endorse God the guidance on the matter, but I will respect those who do not share my faith. Of course, a marriage is always a matter of two. If that mutual commitment and mutual love is present, all obstacles and difficulties will be overcome, and the institution of marriage would be strengthened.

I asked myself a while ago if I was where I wanted to be. The answer was yes, surprisingly you may think. I do know my husband is not perfect, nor am I; and I do know, now more than ever, that there will be a lot of challenges. I am ready to confront them as they may appear...rationally. I’ve been doing that, and learning in the process. I became stronger, and I’m not afraid of use my voice anymore, because I will fight for my marriage and the family and values I want my son to grow up with. Now that I am a mother, each time I see my son looking at my husband and vice-verse, I renew my strength; each time my husband makes me smile only by being who he is, just when laugher seems to hide from me, a warm feeling makes my heart recognize that he is part of my beating heart. Each day I see improvement. Of course I’m more realistic about the time it may take, I’m afraid my husband’s expectations got unrealistic at the beginning.

I’ve browsed a lot of forums about step families. Fortunately, I found that my thoughts, concerns and experiences were the same as those of many people. Some of them found the way to make it work, some just survived it, and some could not make it. It is not a recent discovery the hard work it requires, but one finds hope in those who succeeded, learn from those who did not, or simply find support to keep working on it when the love and commitment does exist. I also develop consideration for those stepchildren who had a bad experience growing in step family contexts.

Today, I will only write about the beginning, the actual formation of a stepfamily and the consequences of our initial approaches. I’ll just share my experience. I’m planning to dedicate some time to discuss different issues. As of now, I’m making a retrospective analysis of our first steps and their consequences.

In 2006, life brought to my life a great human been, tough on the surface, but with a heart so big, that a lot of people have been tearing off of him, taking advantage of him and placing heaviness on his back… so he hides in toughness. He was divorcing and had kids, something I was not crazy about – but let’s become clear, who would have?-but he earned an opportunity, and deserved a second chance in life. He definitively deserves goodness in his life, for all the good he has been giving, and the hardship everyone has found easy to put on his shoulders, from his ex to his relatives, from “friends” to people around, from the consequence of bad decisions, to a simply unfair outcome in life. He became my husband, and my son’s father, and I love him. Together, we began a new life that is not until recently that began to say good bye to the clouds of his yesterday. He’s now doing something his heart could not do before: to see truths and realities as they have always been and as he couldn’t see before.

We are sometimes black and white, day and night, yet that makes us a great couple. Our differences and diversity enrich our criteria and views, our strengths help out each other’s weaknesses. Yes, we are team, in the full extension of the applicable concept. We’ve never had discussion or fight between each other because of each other, despite our different views, NEVER. Perhaps because we do share core ideals, and he gives me the laugher I need, and I give him the analysis he’s missing. He helps me to build and I help him to find his north…We both cried at the altar full of emotions, we deeply love each other. But nothing is perfect, meaning you always have something to improve, something to solve, and something to build.

As of today, the only issue that brings silence and requires a deep breath between us is the reminder of his past life: his kids and our different views on certain issues involved. Nothing is easy I know. I’ve been through a lot, so has he; yet I’ve tried to educate myself on the matter. A lot has happened during these 6 years, a lot of things have changed. Now that I set my priorities, my hopes and fears transformed themselves. Motherhood brought a new set of concerns and made me overlook others, but also enhanced my views and analysis. I guess I’m not the same, nor my expectations or goals… they became enhanced.

Was he fully aware and conscious about the implications of divorce, and what does it meant to start over in a second marriage? No. For a long time, I would say he was not conscious about the material and definitive changes divorce involved. Was he aware about the emotional demands a new family would represent? Probably not, he was focused on ignoring the demands of change and consumed by the past (it has taken a long time to accept the natural price of moving on, you cannot have it all as if nothing happened, you cannot live two realities at the same time, you must accept what is gone, you cannot act as if nothing happened on certain issues which are to be dramatically transformed by the big things that actually happened). Did he have the best intentions? Yes. Did I know it would be hard? Yes. Was I fully aware about the specific challenges this step family would bring? No. Did I foresee the way my husband would handle it? Probably not, I thought he would act according to the rationale and values he presented to me, which did not happened. But here we are, we are loving to each other, and enjoying the blessings our son brought to our lives.

I think my experience can be illustrative to someone else, I hope I can learn from other’s processes. I would never leave behind an objective critic or an objective advice.

New step families have a hard and long road to walk. And by new, I concur with some authors who sustain that this adjusting period averages close to 7 years. Don’t get confuse and don’t think I’m almost done because I have around 5+ on the road. That is not so, and perhaps, one of our most hurtful missteps. But no one is to be blamed, he was struggling with guilt, anger, and a deep love for his kids, which blurred his perspective and annulled his objectivity. I grew up and lived with NO kids around, thus, I knew how to interact with kids the same way I may know about quantic physics, and I hated the fact everyone was looking at me as the weird, and everyone was expecting from me back then a maternal side or a kindergarten teacher ability to interact with kids (which there was no way to find or make it appear magically). I wrongfully fed anger, instead of explaining myself and asking for patience.

Even today, I reject the common view of placing all the burden of effort in the non-parent spouse, and if I hear once more the words “package” and “you don’t like them”, I will get extremely nauseous or even a step further. Yes, I assumed the responsibility of taking efforts to overcome the difficulties of these circumstances. Yes, I always knew his kids were a huge part of his life. No, by expressing opinion or concerns and by defending the wellbeing of my family I’m not making open statements of rejection or negative feelings towards them, something that apparently has been hard to understand.

But the truth is we are just beginning. Years have passed, but we are only taking the first steps. Maybe because it was not until now that my husband is healing from the wounds of the past and guilt, maybe because now I’m not afraid to talk.

As unbelievable as it may sound, four years into a relationship and one after married, one of his teenage kids did not have clear the fact that his dad had actually remarried, and what that represented, as it came up in a therapy session he had, and as my husband will negate until today. Two years after living together he held I was a friend that used to visit (because I would stay at my former apartment the weekends he had them, and would not hear from him until Monday, when he would come during the period he was living at my place, or give me a “green light” to go to our home when he bought a new house). For a bit more than two years of being together, when attending together family venues he would stay far from me, socializing with others, expecting me to do the same where I knew no one. He would avoid being seen stretching his hand to me or close to me, he didn’t want his kids to be aware that he had moved on from his past life (or people who knew his ex-wife). I’m not sure if he ever realized that. He even got mad once because I showed up at our house without notice while he was throwing a party during a weekend (I did not know about it), I went there at the usual time but he didn’t answer to open the door when I called, he didn’t want us to be public when his kids or people who knew his ex-wife were around. Should I blame him for the feeling of not being given my place by his side in the house which I have experienced for years? I did. Not anymore. I know it was not right, but he did it expecting not to hurt them, evidence of the love I know my son is receiving from his father. I sustained the theory he was actually unconsciously competing with his ex, who right away was living with someone who was already around, whether he likes to recognize it or not. By claiming he didn’t want to do what she was doing, I think he was not actually rationalizing what was right or wrong, but only had a desperate need to show off to the kids a difference that I believe would not have made such a difference as he thought under the given circumstances.

I truly believe kids need time to digest divorce and their parents reconstructing their lives. Those are dramatic changes which can affect them. As adults, divorced parents face the hard task to walk them through those changes. However, responsible adults make an effort to balance things, since there’s not fairness in hurting or leaving behind the soul of the person who’s now walking by their side.

Past is past. I had to put behind my criticism. I can speak with the impartiality that not being related to them gives me, yet I’m not ashamed to accept that I will look for my wellbeing, I have the right to do so, something I was denied for a long time, that does not make me bias by default. I cannot expect –knowing him- to understand it. So I gave up that part. The naked truth is he was hiding our reality from them, and we were living in a fictitious rootless relationship for a while, because that would delay any step in furtherance of a healthy consolidation. If we could not handle that, God and His time did it for us. Only time was required to overcome that stage and move on. I grew up from it, and developed something I never had: patience (which is good since I’m using a lot of it raising my over energetic son). Something in my heart was telling me I had to be patient, I so did. I’m happy I did. My challenge now is to forget, since he seems to remember nothing of this… good for him I guess.

Now that I think about it, I do believe that in an ideal world, in a healthy step family beginning, kids should be kindly and lovingly told about the roles and authorities involved, about the respect it would be due, and obedience perhaps (which the step parent has to work to be kept). They should be listened, they have the right to show concerns, but fear to their reactions should not impair judgment and life decisions. That way one in my position would be harassed by the feeling of being merely the cleaning lady, the friend who visits or the “guest”, instead of the head of household’s present wife. I don’t find it fair to live in a house as a wife and a mother and not being able to feel that it is your house, that you can set rules in your house or being seen as someone with no right to own or say on any matter in the eyes of the stepchildren. He though they would learn, digest and overcome his second marriage on their own. He also, indirectly perhaps, thought it was my obligation to push myself to quickly develop affection, that if no respect was shown was because I had not earned it and that I should not expect them to give me any place and follow any guidelines I want for my house. He unconsciously thought I was the only one who should bear the burden of change, based on my acceptance of “his package”, victimizing “his package”. In short, I should see, accept and say nothing (kind of don’t like it, door open…a pessimistic way to see a new beginning). At least, that’s what his actions and words showed even though I will give him the benefit of the doubt as it may not have been what he intended or wanted. He may have thought there was no need to walk this change with them, and teach them about it, and explain it to them… He may have felt guilty of moving forward and finding a better way to live and a better position in life…he addressed the issue when the kids actually confronted him with questions… his kids then opened the door he should have opened for them years ago. But he did not cross that door; he just left it as it was… and now there’s no point in retaking that issue. But I know my husband very well, as to know he didn’t want to hurt me, and his intentions were the best.

I believe he should have addressed the issue before, and clearly talk to them and guide them, giving me the place I should have. That is true as true is the hardship kids from divorced families must bear. As if watching their parents to split would not be hard enough, my husband’s kids had to see happiness for once in their dad’s face… by being far from the family they knew, by being far from life the way they knew. But I did not deserve the darkness and roughness and aggressive reactions I had to deal with, especially because I always acted in good faith and thinking on the best for all involved, yes even his kids.

I do not believe kids digest and learn on their own in these matters. I don’t believe they “pick” by their own what’s going on and automatically know how to deal with it. I do believe, no matter how smart a kid might be, they need to be guided, instructed, and walked on the matter. I don’t care how intelligent a kid may be, one thing is to know the facts before him, and a different one is to have a comprehensive understanding with an adult like rationalization. We could not expect kids to aboard this topic with the same rationale and deep comprehension an adult may have to.

I made a lot of mistakes by my own too. He tried to keep his entire story away from me, as well as everything from his past. So, I did not ask. I knew about his kids what he told me (what he wanted me to see, or what he was rightfully or wrongfully seeing). I did not deeply observe them when they were around because I was afraid I may find something I would share or say to him that he may not like, and he would explode again, since he was outrageously defensive towards them. So I never knew what was on their backpacks (sort of speak), he of course would never say anything but how great they were and how he had raised them (I found out later that what he said or thought he had done contradicted what had been going on). So I made myself purposely blind. Since they were his kids, I thought I had to shut down my way of thinking, my observations and my analysis, I thought I had no right to even think there could be something I may disagree with, since that would hurt him. I thought I should be completely neutral, and keep myself away from any source of judgment. I built my own Pandora ’s Box by negating my mind and self to be who I am. I should have inquired, so I could be better prepared. By acting that way, I also numbed my feelings, and my heart got closed towards them, since I was frightened any feeling would have gone against me (if I got too involved, and play the mother role, he would find an excuse to avoid or delay talking about a child of our own –as he actually did-, if I found something I was not exactly excited about, it would have offended him…I felt as if against a big wall, I got to that point all by myself).

I was under a lot of pressure. Indirectly, and maybe without actually knowing it he was in a rush to see this unrealistic harmonious extended family he wished, that I became so overwhelmed with those expectations and consequently I blocked myself. The emotional heaviness of being compelled to instantly develop that “click” (which does not go with how I am and how I socially interact in general) was a huge pressure on my chest. Those circumstances had a negative effect rather than the positive ones he expected. I was constantly hearing about my "faults" and what I was not doing (but should) that I reached the point of feeling I was a horrible person; I almost convince myself I was the problem... that was not fair, nor was it true.

That’s why I would say we’ve been actually walking in the road of a new stepfamily only for the past two years, time where the waters found a relatively calm pattern, with the additional circumstance of my pregnancy, and later on, the arrival of my living blessing who also diluted a big part of the contentions on the matter and brought us deeply close, not without mentioning that my husband slowly but consistently began to leave the past behind and have a much better approach towards us and our future. God has been taking care of us, and with the blessing of my son, my husband began to see what he could not see before, began listening without evading, he began talking about his kids when I have something to say without those rage explosions I had to take whenever the subject matter was in my mouth. I think his inner self, while looking at my devotion to my son and the way he is being raised, is slowly beginning to be aware of the differences, and by watching the results, and my goals, he’s finally understanding and accepting hard truths. I can assure he would not tell me today, as he told me two years ago, that perhaps I should not be asking for a child of my own because maybe I was not prepared to be a mother. Instead, I treasure his recent words: “I think you’re the best mother I’ve known”, because I know he was hurt because of what it represented.

From this beginning I learned something else. Information regarding the previous marriage and stepchildren should flow from your spouse, and one must create that trust as to make him/her comfortable to talk about it. He thought the best was to keep me away from anything related to them and his past; a kind of a clean slate theory, or a blank space that should be kept that way. I thought it was OK so I didn’t bother to ask him…with collateral consequences.

Six years ago I made a huge mistake. I volunteered my ear to my in laws and their one sided stories full of anger, revenge, morbid views, imprudence, and excessive detail. I let them put me in fear, I allow them to create a huge wall in my heart towards his past, and get myself armed and defensive. Six years ago every time my husband’s cell phone rang at my apartment and later on at our house, my neck would get a contracture and my blood pressure would give me the most awful headaches… I was placed in fear, I had no peace, and it even affected my physical health. I feared as a child fears the night ghosts that such a phone call would end and our lives turned upside down with him taking custody of all the kids and no chance of a “regular” life as a “new marriage” or “new family for us”. Why? There were awful stories out there trying to get the impulsive nerve my husband had back then. Those two sides of the family got involved in an unhealthy war trying to demonstrate who loved them more. Using love as a weapon ( I had never seen that before), my husband’s side irresponsibly tried to confuse issues, and misleading ways of living and affection or simple personality issues, were determined to accuse the mother of neglecting and abuse them, fueling the anger and irrational instincts my husband was experiencing. My in laws were anxiously craving as a child may crave a candy for a situation where my husband impulses would move him for a battle of custody (which they wrongfully thought a magical winning solution and final victory against the enemy), they made me live in fear and anger (because actually, my husband tried hard to keep me away from that conflict), seriously doubting about my husband’s saying, they made me at some point be close to lose all the respect I had for him, and think he was openly or unconsciously lying about his life and his actions and decisions and course of facts. I was close to thinking he was simply a big liar or someone without character or respect for himself, someone without common sense, or someone without clue of how to properly live his life. They did not have bad intensions, in fact, they didn’t know what they were doing or fueling; at least my parents in law were also hurt, by seeing his son going down and hurt, I guess they were thrived by having an end and see a light for him, that they just forgot of something named prudence. Curiously, they were the biggest fans of him entering in a relationship with me, and I do not they appreciate me, something I’m thankful for.

A relationship does not work that way. I was close to end everything and continue my road facing my own problems but free from ghosts I couldn’t even see or fight. He still laughs when I say we are together because of Faith. But it is true. And I was right. Everything began to take shape when I closed my ears and dealt by my own with the challenges in front of me, when I kept everything between the two of us, and put perspective and rationalism, instead of attention to half-truths. I assumed maybe he was blocking things, or not able to see things, I restored my trust in his judgment and character. We then began doing better, since I made all the effort to purge all the prejudice and misinformation my mind had been digesting. I urged myself to erase from my judgment anything but what my eyes, heart and mind would see, deduce or infer. I obliged myself to start it over, to respect that my husband may had taken wrong decisions, or may had been too naive or too proud, or simply overlooked things, or perhaps he wasn’t aware about the extension of his reality, so what, he did what he had to, just to survive and to be comfortable in his own skin. He may have contradicted with acts the principles he was defending, but so what, he was fighting for a future, and saw in me a partner to do it. I fight my own judgment, I got rid of all the armors he had on and look at his heart in a way not even him had seen.

I had to look deep through all his layers of guilt, toughness, defensiveness, worriedness, confusion, pain, and I found the noblest heart I’ve seen in a man. I fell in love again with him, far from voices, far from ghosts, under the shelter of a home that we both just began to build as a pair. I admire him, because he has been able to fight for a future, to improve himself, despite all the trash it has been thrown on his backyard. I also confirmed he is an intelligent man full of great plans and ready to give the ultimate effort for the sake of his family (which finally he’s realizing it’s us). He’s an honest man who tries to do his best and to be fair (even though sometimes his judgment may lead to imbalance and an opposite result… he’s not perfect, but I don’t want him to be so)

We are much better now. Better does not mean problem solved. But that does not put me down. It just made me stronger. Motherhood gave me a different perspective, and made me realize where my concerns should actually be placed on. My only and truly concern right now is simply that I would not allow my son to be raised in a roof with two different standards and two sets of authority; nor am I willing to accept under my roof examples, patterns or behaviors that I want to keep away from my son...period (and subject of a different dissertation).

No one said it would be easy, we just do our best. But in doing so, both of us need an objective way to analyze situations, and a commitment towards our goals in parenting regarding our son, respect, and keeping up with the elected rules.

It did not help the fact we began this relationship right in the aftermath of his divorce, when the wounds of a dark reality were still open, when negation was still the only way to deal with them, when fury instead of rational analysis was the only trigger to assertions and decisions. That one in general, could be held as a bad move. But it turned to work for us, and perhaps it was supposed to be like that. Why? Right next to me, with me, sometimes because of me, sometimes surprising me…buy always amazing me, he’s been walking the healing road. I’ve seen him overcoming darkness, I’ve seen him overcoming blindness, I’ve seen him improving himself over and over, I’ve been there by his hand, giving him my knees if he cannot walk, giving him a glass of water to swallow disappointments. I’ve witness his transformation, keeping him on track, getting him back to the road when a detour approaches. He’s finally healing. In the meanwhile, I became stronger, less impetuous, and definitively more patient and compassionate. Our son smoothed our characters, and gave us more compassion, which now we offer to each other. He made us see in each other the wonders difficulties had been hiding. He found a blessing in what he obnoxiously refused (to open his parental responsibilities to a 4^th one), and even forgot the times when he tried to avoid the issue, I found and extra source of strength to keep patient and to water the seeds of success for this family, I had a change of skin too.

Thus, that makes the fingerprint of our family; we are growing a tropical garden in what once was a dessert or what could be dessert field material. There’s a cactus once in a while, but there’s a lot of flowered prairies as to sit close to or around it. We both are improving ourselves and working hard for our family, by the hand of a blessing smile who reminds us each day about the love we have for each other. There’s a long road ahead, but we have each other, we have our son, and our son has us. There’s a long road ahead, and I’m happy to walk it with my husband, there’s a big tomorrow ahead, and I’m happy we are working on it as a gift to our son.